How To Make 2025 Your Bitch!
So, I Started Taking Geritol…
Yeah, that Geritol. Not because it’s as delicious as prune juice with a hint of Dr. Pepper and smells like shit you’d have to put in a syringe before choking your cat with it. But because, for five seconds every morning, it makes me laugh at myself, wondering, “How the hell did I get here?”—and when life feels like it’s kicking me in the cooter, sometimes that’s the win.
“How is this motivational, Jen?”
It’s not. I’m just saying, sometimes when life comes at you with brass knuckles, you gotta fight back with a grandma cure-all and a fuck-it attitude.
Because here’s the deal: Life doesn’t give a shit about your plans. It doesn’t show up with a curated Spotify playlist or a soothing voiceover telling you it’s time to dig deep. Life doesn’t care if you’re thriving, surviving, or barely hanging on. It shows up like the feds ready to confiscate your baby oil—chaotic and on a mission to fuck up your party.
When Life’s Out for Blood
Let’s face it, sometimes it feels this way—not in the fun Jake Paul/Mike Tyson way but in the murdered Steven Seagal’s family and he’s pissed kind of way.
It doesn’t stop there. Life loves a theme. That one bad day? It turns into a whole bad month. Your plans? Shredded. Your mental health? Hanging on by a thread. But wait! There’s more!
Truth is, life doesn’t ease you into the hard stuff. It doesn’t just show up early one morning and knock on your door like your friendly neighborhood Jehovah. It comes in like all the cults at once—Jehovahs, Mormons, Scientologists—you name it, they’re on your doorstep. You can’t close the door fast enough before some asshole is calling you on the phone.
How do I know they’re an asshole? Because why the fuck are you calling me, that’s how!?!!
One minute, you’re desperately trying to keep up with emails, juggle doctor’s appointments, figure out why your body feels like it’s in open rebellion, and remind yourself you still have to—I don’t know—make money. The next, you’re Googling if it’s normal to want to incite a J6 riot while picking up a prescription because it’s 1:01, the pharmacist isn’t back from lunch yet, and you’re already pissed because you walked in and were immediately confronted with a “pardon our dust” sign.
Get fucked, Smith’s.
And don’t even get me started on the 30-year-old “life coach” on Instagram who’s never experienced a hot flash trying to tell you how she stays organized. Talking about how cute her quirks are, like, “Sometimes it’s okay to be messy!”
Umm, miss—your “messy” means a top bun and sweats. Mine hasn’t shaved her legs since summer and is wondering how long she can go without a shower ‘til it’s a problem.
We are not the same, boo boo.
How to Handle the Bullshit (Without Pretending It’s Fine)
Feel It, Don’t Fix It
Screw toxic positivity. You’re allowed to be pissed off, devastated, and exhausted. Sit in it…or scream! Or cuss! Cry? [🤖 does not compute]
Here’s the thing: Feeling doesn’t mean you’re stuck—it’s just part of walking through. There’s no rulebook for handling the messy shit life throws at you, but there is permission to feel every ounce of it without guilt.
Pro-Tip: Humor is a survival tool. Make a dark joke, even if you’re the only one laughing. “A cold wasn’t the exact weight loss plan I had in mind, but I’ll take the W!”
When all else fails, throw on some SVU and an adult onesie and call it a day. Find your Geritol.
Stop Trying to Make Sense of It
When life dumps garbage on you, your instinct is to figure out why. Stop. Life doesn’t owe you a reason. Some days, it’s just chaos, and digging for meaning won’t make the mess smaller—it’ll just leave you covered in trash.
Instead, channel the chaos into something. Rage-clean the house. Write a hate poem to the universe. Go down a YouTube rabbit hole to try to solve Tupac’s murder (y’all, I’m so close!) or—hell—buy a cheap piñata, name it 2025, and beat the ever-loving shit out of it before throwing on that onesie and shoving candy in your face.
This isn’t about fixing the chaos. It’s about finding a way to channel the noise so it doesn’t leave you deaf.
The Trash Moment
Life loves to back its dump truck up on you faster than a grenade in the early 2000s. You can’t just stand there and take that garbage! Channel your inner raccoon. Dive into the trash. Make a meal out of it. Umm…I didn’t think this analogy through.
Anyways…
Don’t think of it as “handling the chaos.” Think of it as embracing your inner trash-panda and thriving in it. When life throws you a mess, find the shiny bits. Turn it into something that works for you—even if it’s messy, ugly, and held together with metaphorical duct tape.
Pretty soon, you’ll stop feeling like the trash is finding you and start going out to find trash of your own. Own the chaos. Embrace the mess. Knock over some fucking cans like it’s your personal remake of The Great Outdoors.
Remember Who the Fuck You Are
Here’s the deal: Life doesn’t care if you’re ready. It shows up like a check at the end of a meal that cost entirely too much, didn’t taste great, and you’re still hungry. It’s bullshit, but what can you do?
Life is here to bankrupt us, but what it doesn’t expect is for you to turn around, look it straight in the face, kick it in the cooter, and say, “You forgot tax, bitch!”
And that’s what makes you a badass—Geritol and all.
